Dating is tricky. It is a swipe culture of who’s hot and who’s not. Finding the perfect match often takes hundreds or even thousands of swipes. Now people are flocking toward platforms like Threads and X to advertise their dating interests. In a world of online connections, why is it so hard to be approached at a bar or out on a night with friends? Societal pressures shape how we interact, and with an ever-growing, polarized world, people are closing themselves off to the possibility of dating. I recently got out of a relationship, which saddens me because it was such a perfect match. Still, transphobia and bigotry from others ultimately required us to end it for the emotional safety of each other. I am a strong believer in reincarnation, so in another life I will find him and love him just as gently. He loved me in the ways I needed to be loved, and it was very gentle. After a domestic violence relationship, this one was very healing, and even my therapist was happy I got to experience something so loving and healthy. I wish times were different and the world were not so bigoted toward trans people, but in today’s age, we live in the scrutiny of being the perfect match, and the pressures can be insurmountable for a lot of people.

My dating life has been interesting, and I often post about it on my threads. I have been met with approval and disapproval. Many are still ignorant of the science of trans people. Most ignore that love is love and that anything is possible when you open your mind. One thing I experience is the chasers. Chasers are people who specifically focus on dating trans women and often use fetishizing language about a trans woman’s body. Among the thousands of people I have talked to on dating apps, I have been selective and have a keen sense for weeding out the chasers. Usually, there are red flags, such as mentioning the transness first, which is always a focal point for some. That clearly shows their only interest in you is because of transness. Another is the language around genitals, with calling them names that make no sense, like the word “girl cock” or “clitty”. Just call genitals for what they are. If a trans woman is pre op, which means she has not had bottom surgery, she has a penis; if she is post op, which means she has had bottom surgery, identify her genitals by what they are. There is never a need to change the names based on what the other person wants to call them. While some trans women will have language they want to use, it is important to talk about what language the woman wants to use.

Transness is not the only thing fetishized by men and women; many other types of women, like cis black women or Asian women, are disproportionately affected as well. In a racist country, the PornHub statistics about what is most common illuminate that people fetishize women of all different demographics and features of their bodies. Fetishization is not new and has been around since the beginning of sex focused on pleasure. This involves many other different topics as well, such as kink-positive atmosphere and hookup culture. In my younger years, I was not familiar with different kinks, but with the rise of platforms like Felt Life and the openly talked about topics of BDSM, many people are being exposed to the non-vanilla aspects of pleasure and sex. This all goes to show that vulnerability is essential for the dating aspects of sex because not only is emotional compatibility important, but so is sexual chemistry, and there should be, at a minimum, a baseline physical attraction. While I have the strong opinion that one’s partner should find their significant other the hottest person on the planet, many are still consumed by the plethora of options and the swipe culture that specifies abundance over quality of matches. It is easy to swipe right and make a sexual connection, but where does vulnerability come into play for all of this?

When you open up to someone, you let them see a part of you that is raw. Letting someone in is hard for a lot of people, since the world has been affected by heartbreak, and at our age, we have all had at least one bad dating experience. In the past, I have let people in and only found out later that, for some, the motives were purely physical. Nothing wrong with those looking for physical connection, but at this stage in my life, I want something substantial. I cannot mentally subscribe to hookup culture anymore, and in my experience, temporary gratification never beats the feelings of intimacy. I strongly believe that when feelings get involved, it creates a better experience. Emotional vulnerability is huge in dating as well, so shedding light on what you love can help someone feel connected to you. Sharing is caring is the old-time-tested saying, but ensuring you don’t become too vulnerable too quickly helps create a slow-burn connection. When feelings get involved, it is easier to share with someone, and the possibility of falling in love is always there. I have genuinely fallen in love twice in my life. Still, for me, it feels like only once was true compatibility and not just an idea of someone, but the potential of vulnerability in love and conversation of alignment. I could get all sappy and say it was magical. Still, it was two souls bonding and meeting each other, sharing experiences that opened their hearts to understanding how love is so intimate, and when two people who meet become the match they always wanted, sparks fly every time you think of them.

Falling in love with vulnerability itself helps people open up to possibility, and living a life of closed compatibility only hinders you from finding the one. I have not found my one yet, but recently I have been living with a new mantra: fall in love with every little detail and don’t overlook the possibility that it could be more. Share the light inside you with someone, and maybe you can bring brightness to the darkness that has made them feel disconnected. When I fell in love, it hit me in one moment. I looked at him, and for once, everything became so quiet, and I saw his eyes say I feel the same way. I said it first, which shocks me because I have never done that before. I have always been the type of girl to wait for the man to say it out of fear of chasing him away, but this time, I went for it. What would have happened? Didn’t he feel the same way? How would I know if I never said it? He reciprocated, and it felt like I had become so warm. From the chasing around his apartment to the random dancing and laughing, it felt like true peace had settled in my mind, which is always processing and running. Caressing his chest and running my fingers all over his body, or kissing his shoulder blades when I held him, and even tickling him brought me so much joy. It was more than just infatuation; it was spiritual, and at the end of the relationship, transphobia was the culprit for it ending. It sucked finding out that his family would never support us, and many are worried about losing their family. It was reasonable to me, and I hold no ill will toward someone doing something out of fear.

I kindly said in the next lifetime I will find you and love you gently again, and his response was as will I. A chapter, briefly written with just a few pages, had come to a close when I didn’t want to finish writing the story, but who knows what the future holds. I truly think it was the right person, at the wrong time. Not one issue happened in the relationship, and throughout the whole dynamic, I had entered a soft state of feminine energy that exuded love whenever I gently kissed him and made gentle touches on his neck. The physical intimacy felt transcendent, and with pleasure comes vulnerability. Letting someone see that you are pleased by them and that you feel mutually pleased shows courage: you can let your guard down and feel more than just an emotion, but a physical sensation.

I am going to miss this man because of how emotionally safe I felt to let him in. My softest parts of me were exposed, which takes a special kind of man to bring out of a woman. I sit here contemplating texting him again, but what will that do other than prolong the moving-on process? He is going to live his life, and now I have to do it all over again, putting myself out there. Dating is exhausting because you have to talk to people and find someone who piques your interest, which can be time-consuming. Then you have to go on a date and see if there is physical chemistry, and to be honest, right now I have no ambition to try it with someone again. I think, going into dating, I will be a little more guarded, hoping to protect myself from loss better, but who will that serve other than closing me off from finding a match who excites the purest parts of my soul? To be vulnerable is love in itself.

In all dating aspects, trust your intuition with whether you can let someone in, that little feeling in your soul that says it’s okay, or maybe I should think about this. It is there for a reason, and when we do neglect our inner workings of millions of years of evolution, we often find ourselves in dynamics that do not serve true compatibility with vulnerability. When you think of your gut feeling, consider it a warm hand on your shoulder, guiding you to experience or letting you know you might want to skip this subway car. There have been a few times in my life when being around someone has sparked an uneasy response, and I listened to those feelings and always made an exit plan. Always consider what your plan is when vulnerability is not the right call.

Letting someone see you, without a mask, for who you are, without a barrier, is to trust in the process. I have to think about whether I am willing to trust the process again or take this new chapter casually. When going back into dating, there is so much to consider, but for now, I am content with knowing that anything is possible if I open myself up to the idea of just because.

Thank you for reading along on this experience, and if this interests you, consider signing up for emails about the Penny Minus publication, which helps support small writers making an impact on topics once thought taboo and on topics that tackle the systemic issues of an ever-changing world.